Well, it’s been a long way from thinking about writing this
to actually doing it. Not because I wasn’t sure, but because I wasn’t ready.
But now I am – ready to talk about The Big O.
I am in my early twenties and I have just gotten over The
Big O. What is The Big O, you ask, and what with the capital letters? The Big O
is similar to The One. You are in love; you can’t imagine anyone else by your
side. It’s serious and you fantasies about your future and you ask yourself how
the hell you’ve getting into this. Big difference: He is NOT The One.
You might not call him The Big O; you might call him
arsehole, the first you’ve ever loved, THAT one, you-know-who or simply
ex-boyfriend. But he’s there, in your past. A lesson you had to learn, and boy,
did you learn!
I had been friends with The Big O for years and to be
completely honest, I haven’t got a clue how this all happened. But it did. I
fell in love. Gradually, I guess. It wasn’t like I woke up one morning and BAM
I was in love, no. It was more like watching someone paint a picture. First,
you have no idea what this is supposed to be, but as the artist adds more
layers, more colour, you slowly start to recognise shapes and once he’s
finished you go “Of course!”.
Even before my big ah-ha moment I had spent countless
nights, texts and energy trying to please him, managing my days so I would see
him as much as possible. About 3 years. But I didn’t mind. We were friends. We
had fun.
But then I decided to do something for myself and left the
country. We kept in touch over the year and I can’t even count all the I-miss-yous
and I-wish-we-were-heres and everything-sucks-withouts he threw across the
Atlantic. But by the time I got back he
had a new girlfriend. Our relationship was over before it could even begin.
But the story doesn’t end here. What’s a new girlfriend?
Sneaking a kiss, unspoken promises… it didn’t stop. I spent months trying to
decipher everything he did and said, and I went out of my way to make sure we
saw each other. But after four months I was drained. He was still with his
girlfriend, and I was still his puppet. And by the beginning of autumn he was
gone, and I was a crying, exhausted pile of sadness. We had stopped seeing each
other over the summer. No more chasing, no more flirting. I didn’t know how to
go on without him but I knew I couldn’t keep doing this either.
It’s thanks to my wonderful friends that I got my shit
together so quickly. They let me mourn and be sad and always offered a shoulder
to cry on – literally. But when the time came, they kicked my arse and reminded
me of what I had, despite all the things (or someone) I didn’t.
Just the other day I was talking to one of my girls about
him and she said: “Honestly, for a long time I didn’t think you’d get over him.”
And it made me realise how far I’d come over the last year.
Maybe your Big O is someone you had an actually relationship
with, or someone you’d loved and got rejected by, or someone who doesn’t even
know your name – but you gave him or her all you’ve got, and it broke your
heart.
But the good news is, you will get over it. Maybe it’ll take
a year, a rebound crush and moving countries, but you will.
